Let's Talk about Ghosting
Ghosting has become such a common method of communication that most of us have experienced it. How many times have you been left hanging to guess why someone didn’t respond to your effort to communicate? Why is this dangerous? Because the conclusions we draw from not knowing the truth can be elaborate and hurtful to oneself and the other person.
When people ghost me, I am left feeling the relationship is over. They are showing me that they are not willing or able to communicate in the way that provides clarity and is honest. It is very confusing and feels like an energy drain.
Ghosting someone sends the message that you don’t want to continue a connection. This is very final and not the way life really is, in that you may encounter the person you ghosted in the future and things will be awkward. With loneliness and suicide rates in the US on the rise, it's just not a healthy practice for connection and community building.
Why have we become a culture that avoids conflict? Some say, we are still recovering from “Post Pandemic PTSD”. Many are still adjusting to the consequences of the pandemic. Not only losses of family members, but financial and career changes. These dramatic changes experienced over a short period of time can be felt as complex trauma.
Those in populated areas and working in crowded spaces may be on alert for their health. Many are concerned about not wanting to miss too much work due to Covid, which can hang on for longer than is acceptable to be out sick from work. Being on constant alert, is a trauma response.
A common theme I also hear is that people are “overwhelmed”. According to the US Center for Disease Control (2024), one out of five people are now struggling with mental health issues or supporting family members who are. Adolescents are the most affected. One out of five adolescents experience mental heath issues.
With all that said, it’s become even more important to practice kinder communication styles than ghosting. We all need a little more love to get us through these new, and often, challenging times.
Alternatives to ghosting…
Take a breath
Take some space
Revisit the conversation with clarity and honesty. Be kind
How to communicate kindly…
Use “I” statements and own your part of the decision to not continue contact. Why doesn’t it work for you and your life anymore?
Share compliments about the person, like “You are very fun to be around, but I am realizing I don’t have the time right now for more connection.”
In a work setting, you might say, “This is a great idea, but doesn’t feel in alignment with our project at this time. We will keep your idea in mind for future projects.” (Adapt wording to fit your exact work scenario)
A honest and clear response I shared with a client recently who wanted to be friends…, “That’s so kind of you to ask. However, I’d like to hold client practitioner boundaries at this time.” I could have ignored the somewhat uncomfortable request for friendship, like so many do, but instead I chose to be honest and respond with an “I” statement. Taking ownership, leaves the recipient of your communication feeling less blamed or attacked.
Being honest and clear isn’t natural for many who prefer to avoid conflict. People in the U.S. culture are not used to this style of communication. I attribute my ever evolving (not even close to perfect) communication skills to being raised in an Italian family, where we talked about everything very openly and honestly. I am also from the suburbs of Boston, where we are known for our direct and honest communication. Over the years, I’ve learned to weave kindness and conscious communication skills in this honest and direct style of communication. It helps soften the delivery. After all, we will be remembered for our kindness & how we loved. Let’s practice this as much as possible. It can be learned.
You can actually become quite artful at kind communication. I have experienced it with people who really make an effort. Although, honest and direct communication with kindness can take some practice, it can also lead to lasting relationships through all the ups, downs and misunderstandings. As part of our journey into Connection Post Pandemic, moving from ghosting to kind, honest and clear communication will lead to much more clarity and flow in your life, rather than confusion and hurt.
You can download this 2nd edition of Lighter: Living Tantra, Connection Post Pandemic for free on my Books webpage.